Dear Addie Vise

Left for a while

2005-09-09T18:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

I had to leave abruptly due to an emergency and then I traveled down south to help friends caught in the storm and friends who had influxes of relatives who were storm evacuees.

I am way behind on my mail. Please feel free to resend your mail if I have not responded. I am going to attempt to read/respond to everything in the next week or so but I am sure I may miss mail so please feel free to resend if you've sent something that did not get get answered.

I do want to make sure I respond to everyone!!!

Love Addie

How To Get Over Being Let Go

2005-08-12T19:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie:

I recently accepted a job as an assistant to a start up company. They had a previous business and were moving into a new area and were winding down the old business and starting the new one. My experience is in the new business and the placement agency thought that this company would NEED my services and expertise and would look to me for advice and opinions. They said they actively promoted my expertise and let the company know they could tap into my experience.

However, when I would be in meetings about the new business, they didn't want any input from me. They just wanted me to be the assistant. Secondly, they weren't really ready to launch the new business. They were busy shutting down the old company which isn't the area of my expertise. Most of my time there was consumed with the old business and the little amount of time spent with the new business. I never had the opportunity to give opinions or advice about the new company.

After one month, the two principals told me that I wasn't working out. The woman at the placement agency said it was a lack of enthusiasm on my part. I felt angry and confused. I didn't really have any chance to show any enthusiasm. I'm just very upset about it. I feel that I was not given a chance and was treated unfairly. -Hurt and confused.

Dear Hurt and Confused:

It sounds like you were a terrific candidate that they were not ready for. I'm sure that it was their loss and not yours.

They don't know how terrific you could have been. You know you could have been a real asset.

They did not have their act together and you knew it. Your lack of enthusiasm was a normal and healthy reaction to a crazy situation. You were misled going in so of course you didn't have enthusiasm.

Know that this is not your fault. It is theirs. Count yourself lucky to not have to deal with them anymore. Look for a better fit, it's out there.

This could a blessing in disguise. Don't dwell on it. Move on and find the place where you truly fit.

Best of luck,
Addie.

What Is Her Business and What Is Not?

2005-08-09T17:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie, I have been with my boyfriend for 4 months. We are very serious and I love him very much. We also work together, and go figure, I answer any phone calls he receives. His ex-girlfriend called recently when she knew darn well he had a girlfriend and it just so happened to be the girl that answers that phone at work. So, he told me the reason she was calling was to see how his daughter was doing. Apparently they were pretty close when he and her dated. I can understand that, but when she calls she's rude and doesn't even care that "hello I'm his girlfriend, not you" So, he told me I could trust him and I am sure I can, but it still bothers me. And she keeps calling. I guess I don't know whether I am being too jealous or just plain stupid. Please help, I just don't want to let this put a strain on our relationship but I feel like it will if she keeps calling him. And where can I step in and where do I butt out?? -Wondering

Dear Wondering,

I hear a few different problems in your question. First of all, you say that you've been together 4 months and that you are "very serious." Four months is NOT a long time to be serious. Evidenced by your situation and your questions, you don't KNOW each other very well. His behavior seems to indicate he has some judgment issues...do you really want to hitch your wagon to this particular "star"?

First of all, he allowed his daughter to become close to someone he was just "dating"? (his ex girlfriend). Unless and until a person is in a committed relationship that is going to be around for the long-term, they should NEVER involve their children with the relationship. It's bad judgment and it's bad for the children. Children do not need people revolving in and out of their lives.

If boyfriend wasn't serious about ex-girlfriend, she should not have been so close to his child. If boyfriend was serious about exgirlfriend, once upon a time, they should not be chit chatting now. So either he was wrong then or he's wrong now. Either way, he's made a mistake, a mistake of judgment.

Second of all, he didn't end it (obviously) when he ended it. She still feels it's okay to call. She states and he states that she and the child were close (again, a mistake on his part if it's the truth). Well if that is true he owed it to the ex girlfriend and the child to end it and end it for good to avoid any hurt or any unfinished business later on. He didn't. She obviously feels okay to check in with him and see how the child is doing. Maybe one phone call would be okay but she feels okay about calling several times. Mistake number two.

Third of all, suppose she did call and did want to see how the child was doing? Okay, be nice, be polite but be firm that future calls are not welcome. He did not do that. He's allowing her calls and taking her calls. It is NOT up to you to remind him or teach him or tell him that it's NOT okay. It's his place to know this and if he doesn't know this, then something is wrong with him and he needs to fix it and fix it FAST.

What is all THIS about? Is it over? All these calls CANNOT be about the child and even if they were, they are inappropriate and needs to stop.

Don't expect her to be polite to you. She owes you nothing. If she still wants the connection (and it appears she does) and he still wants the connection (and it appears he does), you're going to be odd person out.

There is more going on here than just an ex-girlfriend being annoying. Your boyfriend obviously has lapses of judgments and could be having one now. You need to step back and see what kind of person he really is and if this is what you want. Do you want someone who has no clear boundaries? Who doesn't do the right thing intuitively? Who risks his child's feelings and his girlfriend's feelings without thought or concern? This is not a prize, my dear.

You can do one of three things: accept it, change it or leave. That's it. Those are all your choices.

Choice number 1. Accept it. Do you really want to? Do you want to look like a fool? Do you want to step in and TEACH him the ways of the world and accept that it will be your burden to show him what is okay and not okay. And if you don't he makes you look like a fool? Because that's exactly what you're looking like. If so, have a happy life.

Choice number 2. Change it. How do you change it? You tell him this is unacceptable. Phone calls from ex girlfriends are not okay. Just say how you feel using "I" statements. Say, "I get upset when she calls and I would like it if she didn't do that anymore." or "I feel that this situation is going to have a negative effect on us if it continues." and see how he deals with it. He might need a little bit of education but beware of someone who is so totally oblivious to what is wrong with this picture because you will spend your life putting the puzzle together for him while your feelings are being tromped on. not a good position.

Choice number 3. Leave. You know the score, you know where you'll stand after you try to change it. If boyfriend is wishy washy and lets old girlfriend in, you're going to be miserable. If he takes responsibility for his actions and realizes there is no room for exgirlfriend in new relationship, then you might have something. Hopefully he's not as far out there as your letter seems to indicate he is.

Again, GO SLOW. There is NO WAY you can know someone and "be serious" in FOUR MONTHS. It takes much longer to know who you're really getting and what you're really getting into.
Check back in. Good luck,
Addie

What Is Holding Her Back?

2005-08-08T04:14:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

I am woman in my mid-40s who is stuck in life. I hide from people and relationships. I am not shy in the least and I'm attractive, very smart, witty, etc. You'd never know to look at me that I have serious issues. I have gone into counseling many times, but I don't stay with it. The problem is that I have a personality disorder, with low self-esteem. Each of these sabatoge the other when I try to change. For instance, when I am shown aspects of my personality disorder it is too much for me to handle, because I have such low self esteem, it's practically devastating. it is very painful and I can't handle it. This makes me run from therapy. Likewise, when I am shown aspects of my low self esteem, I find ways of denying it or justifying it with my personality disorder.

The other reason I hide is because my life has been totally stress-filled up until about five years ago. The things I have been through would wear out any human being. I won't go into it here, but I from my childhood I have post traumatic stress disorder. As an adult now I have very little tolerance for stress and I find my self easily frustrated, I have physical problems relating to sleeping, and other issues like thyroid problems such that PTSD patients encounter. I find that what works for me is to keep a low profile, i.e., not get involved with people. I am at peace because when I have relationships, even friendships, there is always the inevitable conflict that I generate somehow. That's why I hide.

Most therapists, on the first appointment want to help me, the find me likeable, then we go through my family history the same thing always happens...they get this clouded look and start to talk to me differently. I feel like a loser a lot, even though I'm not.

My past includes growing up with a drunken father, an emotionally stunted mother, becoming alcoholic and recovering, losing my best friend/brother to an alcoholic death, having a baby at 21, being on welfare with not enough money to live on, going through treatment and AA, going to a trade school and getting an AA degree....raising my daughter with no money, no car until her father was murdered when she was 13 when I was able to get social security and supplement my secretarial income, having a daughter who had special needs, marrying a man from my hometown who was alcoholic, he gave me Herpes, divorcing him, etc, etc, you get the picture. My self esteem is higher then it ever was, but it was at the beginning, crippling...now it's just manageable.

Now my daugther is married and I have my own life which I love. Am I wrong to hide out? Who wants a woman with herpes, personality disorder and post traumatic stress? I dress very nicely, get my hair colored, wear make up well, am very extroverted in personality. I do these things for myself because I love fashion and girly-girl stuff. When the truth hits the fan, though, I really would rather be home with my little dog.

What do you think? -Hiding

Dear Hiding:

You don't make it clear that you want someone or you want to stay alone. You say you are "at peace" yet I am not completely convinced.

Perhaps this is one of the main reasons why people stay away. Healthy people are not drawn to people who don't know what they want. Only other people who don't know what they want are attracted to that type or people with deep problems such as those you've attracted in the past. You sound like you've overcome a lot of things and done quite well for yourself despite the setbacks. You need to give yourself credit for that.

If you don't want to deal with the downside of your "presentation," (the personality disorder and physical difficulties), no one else is going to want to deal with it either. You can get long-term treatment for both but warn potential suitors that there can be an outbreak and you have to guard against it. You have to believe that you are a "catch" even with these issues. It certainly sounds like you are.

If you have a "true" personality disorder (Axis 2 on the DSM-IV diagnosis), you do need to be in counseling. If you are "seeing" a counselor "cloud over" when you talk about your past, I believe that is your own projection of the situtation. Most good counselors are used to dealing with people who have much more complicated issues than you've described, and most won't "cloud over" once you get into a full blown description of your past and your problems. We are used to hearing a lot of really horrific stuff.

You are most likely projecting the counselor's reaction onto that counselor and using it as an excuse to drop out. Stop doing that. Find a good counselor and make the commitment to stay the course. Then, and only then, can you deal with all these other issues.

The primary issue seems to be, "What do you want?" It is not clear to me that you really know. You need to work that out and work out what you need to do to get there. If what TRULY works for you is being alone, then you won't be in a quandry about it. You would just embrace it. But something tells me you're not truly happy there.

Find out what you really want and go do it and be it! Best of luck!

Yes, Virginia, There Are ACOAs

2005-08-04T05:59:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie:

I am in my late 40s and jobless. I am about to take a job as a nanny to help someone get her house in order as she has some problems and can not seem to keep her house up and manage her children. By the way I met her on the internet and we have met and visited eachothers homes and i am a very compassionate person, and feel I can help her with her children and also her house work as I keep a very immaculate home.

Do you beleive in BAD LUCK CURSES etc? Well this is my life story I am in my late 40s, divorced and living ALONE I have just gotten out of a long-term relationship with a younger man who is an alcoholic. Alcoholism runs in my family, it is a wonder I am not one.

Anyway please dont tell me to seek therapy as I am not working and running out of money, and do not have Ins. This guy told me he didnt want to see me anymore after I had just lost a job, heartless I guess... saying he met someone else. I wonder all the time if this relationship will go any where and find myself thinking of him all the time. I havent heard from him but have called him twice within the last month and even though I try not to I admit to it, and kick myself afterwards.

I hope to STOP soon. I know he isnt good for me but I guess it is the co-dependency in me? anyways, I have very little self-esteem and when I was able to afford my anti depressant Effexor i seemed to do much better, now that I am off of it I find my self going in circles constantly.

I have no sense of direction, dont know if I am washing or hanging out to speak and am a loner, hermit and live a very lonely life. I dont feel even on medication that I fit in anywhere. I have a few weeks of unemployment and when I have applied for jobs have no luck getting an interview and then when I do, I don't get the JOB. I have education and a long work history until a short while ago. . I have since had about 5 jobs and left switching around to find one to meet the salary I needed in order to survive. I also might need to file for bankruptcy. I honestly feel that I have a curse on me Bad luck seems to follow me where ever I go and I have no Idea what to do.

I am desperate for your advice and from what I have read about you I feel confident that you can lead me in the right direction. -Cursed

Dear Cursed:

I think that the curse you are talking about is alcoholism. You seem to have very typical patterns of an adult child of alcoholics. Even if your parents were not alcoholics, a family that operates under the influence is a dysfunctional family indeed! I know there has been a bit (more than a bit) of backlash against the "D" word (dysfunctional) and adult children of alcoholics (ACOAs) have been labeled as a bunch of blaming whiners, but that is the unfortunate result of too many people, not sincere in their recovery, seeking refuge from responsibility and using 12 step program tools as weapons. This explosion of ACOA/codependent phenomena in the 1980s and 1990s drew a lot of people to the programs who had no intention of ever doing the work that is involved to recover from these issues.

As a result, the word "dysfunctional" became the target of jokes and ridicule as did the words "codependency" and "adult children of alcoholics." However, those that were intent on recovering and wanted to do the work involved, stayed the course and GOT BETTER. They understood that it was NOT about blaming, it was about TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR ONESELF DESPITE THE PAST. They knew it was about looking at the past, feeling angry, hurt, upset, and ultimately letting it go to learn new coping mechanisms which includes TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF. You cannot recover from the legacy of alcoholism, whether you are the alcoholic or a family member, unless you do that.

So, this is what you must do. Take responsibility for yourself. Adult children of alcoholics either overfunction or underfunction. Their lives are full of extreme behavior because they don't know where the middle is, they don't know where healthy and normal is. They don't know what NORMAL looks like.

Apparently you did a good job with your daughter and have had some success in your life. My instinct is that you were OVER functioning and being OVER responsible. Then you went the other way. That is fairly typical ACOA behavior.

You were attracted to this man who left you when you lost your job. Yeah, that sounds like an active alcoholic. He is no good for you. The relationship is dead. Bury it. Don't call him again. You're better than that.

You feel you don't fit anywhere. This is also typical of ACOAs. You need to find others like yourself.

You are moving in with the woman with the chaotic life so you can bring order to her chaos. This will make you feel as if you have power and control over SOMETHING even if it's not your own life. Believe me, there is nothing wrong with getting a job that benefits you and someone else, but you are not being as "compassionate" as you say you are. You are being codependent. Yes, there's the "C" word, another word that took a beating in the past 10 years because it was overused by the wrong people for too long. Again, it was a responsibility-shirking war cry of people who were looking to hide instead of people who were looking to get better. A whole generation of codependents who were working hard at not being codependent were wrongly labeled and made fun of in the media. Yes, that's what codependents need! WRONG.

Just because the word has been vanquished from the national vocabulary does NOT mean there is no such thing. A codependent is what Al-Anon has called, for years, a co-alcoholic. Someone whose coping mechanisms are unhealthy because they were developed in the Dysfunctional Alcoholic family. (yes, I said the "D" word because it's APPROPRIATE).

So the job as a nanny might help you to feel in control, to bring order to external chaos to quell the internal chaos. I am not saying not to take this job. I am saying think about your reasons why and what's in it for you. Examine your motives. Why do you feel the need to do this? If it doesn't work, can you leave? Make sure you can.

If you can't afford therapy (and even if you can), I suggest you find a local Al-Anon meeting, or ACOA or Codependents Anonymous. You will hear your story over and over again in those halls. You will know it is NOT a curse or a run of bad luck. It is called the legacy of living with alcoholism and alcoholics.

Once you get in the program, you will meet others like yourself. If you do the work and WORK THE PROGRAM, you will find the pieces falling in place to build a new, happy and healthy life. You can talk to them about anything, jobs, money, relationship, feelings, medication whatever. Seek it out and it will benefit you greatly.

It's not about luck or about curses, it's about taking responsibility for yourself and doing what you need to do. You need to recover from the legacy of alcoholism...now go to it.

Addie

Commitment Is A Decision

2005-08-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie Vise,

A few years ago I started casually dating this guy who I was absolutely crazy about, but was too intimidated to tell him how I felt and that I wanted get more serious and be in a relationship, for fear that he didn't feel the same way. We were dating casually for about a year and things weren't going anywhere, and I was so hurt because I was so in love with him, but we were both very busy at the time and couldnt spend much time together, and we were both the type who kept our feelings inside.

I was convinced that he was not interested in anything more. So, I met a new man, who I wasnt really interested in at first, but he really grew on me and treated me the way every woman should be treated, he made me very happy and we fell in love, a year later we are engaged.

I never had any closure with the ex, I was still in love with him when I met the new guy, but those feelings faded as I fell in love with my now fiance. As soon as my "ex" found out that I was in a serious relationship, he spilled out how he really felt about me and that he did love me and wanted a relationship and I told him I had wanted the same all along, so after i found that out, the feelings for him came rushing back, and they are very strong. We've seen each other a few times since, even though I'm engaged, and did things I shouldn've have done, but I really miss him very much it hurts, I'm also turned on more by him, but I know my fiance is the one and I know I'll have a better life with him, and I do love him very much. I am sick with guilt, I've lost 15 lbs. over this emotional rollercoaster, I don't know how to move on. Theres no way will leave my fiance but I need help dealing with the overwhelming feelings for my ex. Please help

Commitment is a decision. Fidelity is a decision. Love is what you DO, not what you say. Life brings temptations. You need to sidestep them, even if it hurts and even if its hard. You can have feelings for someone else-the key is not to ACT on them. The key is to act faithful and committed even when you have feelings for someone else. If you cant' do that, then you are not ready for the commitment. Life throws "situations" at us and every day life with the same partner can be dull and unexciting. If you can't handle that, you need to accept you're not ready and let your fiance go. If you're not ready to commit, you need to break it off. If you are, you need to stop playing games and act like someone who is committed.

You haven't yet decided to be committed or faithful to your fiance. Not a great way to start a life with someone who sounds like a terrific guy.

When the ex found out you were in a serious relationship, the proper response for him would have been to wish you luck. He had his chance, he blew it, tough luck. Instead, he pursued you. How much a standup guy is he to try to come in between of you and your happiness and how could you let him? What were you thinking? That it was a GOOD idea? It's not and I think you know it. Why does he want you now? Because he can't have you? This indicates problems on his end that you really are better off without. He's not a good decision. Get him OUT of your life or allow him to ruin what you have. Your decision.

You need to either stop seeing him, make a DECISION to commit and be faithful to your fiance or let him (the fiance) go and go back to the ex.

Life will hand you more obstacles than just a wishy washy ex. If you can't make the commitment and the decision to be a partner to your fiance, then do you both a favor and end it now.

If you can commit and decide, then do that and be done with the ex and decide that no other distraction will threaten your commitment.

Commitment is a decision. Decide to commit or stop fooling yourself and get out of your relationship and give yourself a few more years to play around before you are ready for that level of commitment. Your fiance doesn't deserve someone who cheats and you don't deserve to be torn up over someone who couldn't commit to you when he had the chance. Make your decision and let your actions show what your decision is. You show love by what you DO, not by what you say.

Life is out of control

2005-07-31T05:18:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,
I am at my wits end! My 8 year old daughter, is a very sweet, smart, funny child. She is strong willed, but basically well behaved. That is, until my husband comes home. Then all of a sudden, she talks to me like she was a rebellious teenager, sassing me, talking different, and being defiant. My family has been through a very hard time, the past year. we lost our home and my health, from a toxin there. My husband was away, working out of town, for the most part, only home on weekends. He and I have different temperaments, and habits. I have been ill, and unable to work, so there is a tension about finances, that sometimes leads to fights. I feel that he doesn't discipline her enough, and he thinks I am too hard. But he only sees me with her when hes home. When hes not here, she is my little angel. I am starting to feel like I want to run away. In the family, I am the odd man out. I have no medical insurance, because it is too expensive on my husbands plan. I asked him to find out if his will cover couples or family therapy, but he has not, and they wont tell me, because I`m not on his plan. I know that I need to get help, for myself, and daughter, but I don't no where to look.
Any suggestions for dealing with the "weekend conflict" while I try to find long term outside help, would be welcome!

First of all, I do not understand how you can be ill and not have health insurance. That is insanity. If your home made you sick because of a toxin, is there some legal help you can get? That is where you need to start. You need health insurance for YOU. Second, you need it for family counseling and that means all three of you. Is your husband not interested in counseling or doesn't see the need for it? Because you obviously need it. You NEED to be on his plan. You can't shortcut medical insurance. If you are so sick you can't work, apply for SSDI and get health benefits as well. The health insurance needs to be your number one priority.

If you daughter listens when your husband is not there but doesn't when he is, what is the difference? Will she be punished when he is not there but not when he's at home? If so, you need to let her know the rules do not change and she doesn't change her behavior. If she sees you as weak when he is home, she is going to lash out.

Most parents put up with a defiant back-talking child because they are too weak willed to put a stop to it. The irony is that children DETEST weakness in their parents, the ones who are supposed to be their protectors (see my previous columns about this) and lash out even more. Children hate parents who are strict to the point of being abusive or controlling for no reason and parents who are weak kneed and namby pamby. Children love parents with strong boundaries, clear limits, and a firm but gentle guiding system.

Those are not only the parents they NEED, but those are the parents they WANT.

If your daughter senses you are weak when her father is home, she will go on the attack. Not only because she can but because she dislikes seeing weakness in you. You are her role model. You need to be firm when he is home.

You also need to stop arguing about parenting styles with him especially if it happens in front of her. He can be easy with her because he only sees her two days a week and is not actively participating in raising her. You are. You need to do what you do and say to him, "I would appreciate it if you don't comment on my parenting in front our our daughter." and make sure he gets that message loud and clear. At the same time don't criticize that he is too easy. He may not want to be the bad guy seeing her only two days a week.

You must insist that she respect you and be well behaved no matter what day of the week it is, or there will be consequences. Enforce those consequences.

You need to be firm about having health insurance, seeing a lawyer about the toxins, applying for SSDI and disciplining your daughter. You also need to insist that the THREE of you go to counseling and not just the two of you.

If you need followup advice, feel free to write. You have a lot on your plate. You need some help. Good luck.

Return Engagment Ring When Engagement Is Off

2005-07-30T02:49:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

Last Christmas my boyfriend and I became engaged. I gave him an extravagant number of expensive gifts because I knew I was getting an expensive ring.

He broke off the engagement about a month ago. At first he said he just needed time and we would be engaged eventually. Then he said he needed to call it quits for good.

I was hurt and devastated, and I still am. He asked me for the ring back and claims that it is legally his. I told him it was a gift in lieu of Christmas presents. He insists its his and he wants it back. He even offered to return the Christmas gifts I gave him if it would make me feel better. I told him he's just being mean and hurtful, and I've stopped speaking to him. He keeps leaving messages on my machine. I just want him to go away.

Dumped

Dear Dumped:

Thank goodness you didn't marry a guy who you think is being mean and hurtful. It's obvious he moved on and wants to tie up loose ends. Your best bet, for moving on yourself, is to tie them up as well.

Legally an engagement ring is a promise to marry. When the marriage is called off the engagement ring goes back to the giver. It SHOULD be the man (though this tendency of late of woman paying for their own engagement rings, even part of their own rings, is beyond me. If you have to pay for your own ring, you are crazy to get engaged to that guy).

In this case it was. I understand your point about it being a gift in lieu of Christmas presents, but you chose to forego Christmas presents to get the ring (another lesson ladies, LISTEN UP).
His gifts were gifts and he can keep them. Yours was a promise to marry and must be returned.

Why not just return it and move on? It hurts and it is hard but you were granted a reprieve that it didn't happen 2 months AFTER you were married or later when you had kids. Then you could have kept the ring but would have had a much tougher row to hoe.

You might be holding on to the ring to hold onto him and the dream that died. Don't. Let it all go. Better things are waiting for you. You say you want him to leave you alone. He will if you return the ring. Return the ring.

Do your grieving and move on. Returning the ring will help you get closure and he will be out of your life.

Best of luck.

Quick Romance Cannot Handle A Crisis

2005-07-28T16:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,
I have met the most wonderful woman of my life, and of course, as fate would have it, I managed to crush her by lying to her twice in a very short time frame.

We have only been together a little over 2 months, we met while I was bartending in the Caribbean.

After 5 weeks, she paid for my plane ticket to NJ, the plane tix to go and meet her parents, and for a separate trip to Vegas. Unfortunately I have not been able to find a job since I moved back home to the States, until just recently, and now that things were finally looking brighter for me, everything came crashing down. I lied once to her about a job interview that I never went to, but pretended I did.

I then lied to her a few days later about another interview where I got essentially got shot down.

I understand her lack of trust, and distance, but when we spoke the other day I thought we cleared the air. I knew it would be there, but not quite like this. She says she wants me to move out in a few months once I am on my feet financially, because she feels it will help us. She says she wants to be with me, but is confused right now because she feels completely betrayed. What can I do to try and regain her trust, and more importantly, the utter bliss we felt until a little over 10 days ago?
Crushed,
Pinocchio

Dear Pinocchio:

Um...slow down!!! That is the first advice I can give you and wish I was there 2 months ago to give it to you.

You met in the Caribbean...a tropical paradise...no? Somewhat of a plastic environment. After FIVE WEEKS, she paid for you to come to the States to meet her parents and go to Vegas. Um...WHAT?

Are you following me? First of all, why would she pay for you to come here? If you did not have the money to get here, what were either of you thinking? Wouldn't it have been a better plan to wait until you had your own way here? And if she was paying for a trip up, why pay for a Vegas trip too? Vegas is another plastic environment. What is with that? I have to seriously question her conduct even more than I question yours. Didn't either of you think any of this was a bit hasty? Didn't her parents question it? If not, what is WRONG with them???

So once you landed in reality, you were panicked to find a job. You didn't go to one interview (you don't say why) and was dinged at another and lied to her about that. Again, I don't know why you lied to her about it. Everyone gets turned down for jobs...what is the big deal? If you were truly intimate, you could tell her. I mean intimate on an emotional level. Obviously you don't trust something here either. You were AFRAID to tell her the truth. WHY? Why would you want to be with someone if you can't tell them the truth?

These aren't HUGE lies, but they're lies. Her response is a bit out of proportion and so is yours because you don't KNOW EACH OTHER. You don't have the history, the trust, the FOUNDATION you need to weather a small untruth that was told out of fear. Most couples who have been together a while might be able to get through it but you have NO FOUNDATION. She has no frame of reference for who you really are. You could be a big fat nothing liar. She doesn't know. Why? Because she let you in TOO SOON. A QUICK ROMANCE CANNOT HANDLE A CRISIS. Only when you have built trust up over time and really know each other can you weather a storm. You can't do it this soon.

Maybe she is finally have the appropriate reaction, which is distance. She once paid for 2 trips for a man she hardly knew, moved in with him (what is THAT?) and now realizes she has no idea what is going on because he is lying to her, so she is backing off. That is the FIRST reasonable thing she's done so far.

And what were YOU thinking by throwing everything away and flying up to the States when you couldn't even afford your own ticket? Why would you want to be indebted to someone you hardly knew? Why would you want to mooch off a woman, any woman, but one you just met?

I'm sorry for being so harsh but it sounds like you both jumped into this without a thought, without looking, without thinking. You let the false rush of new love, fueled by false places like the Caribbean and Vegas and probably fueled by booze and sex to MAKE A SERIOUS DECISION FOR YOU.

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???

You weren't thinking and neither was she. She doesn't know you, you don't know her and you're both feeling the hangover of rushing headlong into something before you even know what it is. The "utter bliss" you felt was the rush of new love. It's not going to last and when it is interrupted by life issues, it is going to fade very fast as you are finding out.

My advice would be to get a job and get out. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for a long time of push me/pull me. This did not start out right and unless you both get away from either, take a breath, and either move on or start over, it's never going to be right.

Romance and moving in and all of that should happen AFTER you get to know each other, not before.

Next time, take it slow and pay your own way.

Afraid She Doesn't Really Belong

2005-07-28T05:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

I've read your site and a few of the postings, and I really liked what I saw. I'm not sure if I can give you a defined problem as the problems in my life seem to be pretty massive in nature.

Even saying that, I feel guilty because it could be a lot worse. I'm starting my junior year of college in the fall. I've always been a deep-thinking, analytical, self-critical person- there's almost nothing left for anyone else to criticize, because I do my work for them. I'm honest with everyone I meet, and it seems that my honesty and trust backfires time and time again. I'm constantly telling people my problems- it's become utterly natural, people expect my "stories" and they (usually) find them funny, so I've never been able to stop doing that. This summer I guess I've been going through a lot of changes, because for the first time I'm expected to really contribute to my college funds, which is something I should have been doing a lot sooner- my parents are working class people. We really aren't well off.

I am trying my hardest to contribute, working as much as I can, paying the bills, and my dad always tells me everything's fine, but I continue to feel bad. Part of this is because I'm the first in my family to go to college, and no matter what I would never stop going, and I'm determined to finish with a degree from my school, nothing less. My parents are very supportive and loving and I am incredibly close with them, they don't want me to stress over this because they have already said they would pay for college. But I still feel very depressed and stressed and angry! I'm so quick to argue, to shirk responsibility, and even though I feel that I fit in with my peers in college, I feel I will never succeed compared to them, because they are so put-together and independent; but ! I feel out of place with the people "back home" who haven't gone on to more schooling.

People tell me this is all in my head, that I'm creating problems that don't exist, that I'm overthinking things and analyzing too much, that I should stop feeling sorry for myself. I *am* trying actively to fix the problems, but I still feel like I will never completely succeed. I feel like things are so much easier for everyone else, or they make it *look* easy. I don't know how anyone could learn a skill like that.

It's not like I'm constantly depressed either- in fact when I'm with my friends I have a way of making light of my "struggles" and I turn them into humorous exploits. However, it's harder for me to hide the real feelings around my family, or my roommates at school, who obviously spend the most time with me.

I would love to think this is a problem that could be treated with medication, but I was prescribed antidepressants for two years and they didn't do much. (I've talked to several therapists, and seen a couple regularly for long periods of time, but I find that I express my emotions a lot better in writing.) So I really think this is a problem that I have to work through on my own- although I don't know where to start.
Any advice would be extremely appreciated- I think your service is a great thing.
-Worried Sick

Dear Worried,

First of all, I commend you for being the first in your family to go to college. That alone can be an enormous stressor. There are a couple of reasons for that: 1) you have no role model in your family as to how to do this. You're in unchartered territory--being the first at anything is a scary thing. There is a lot on your shoulders trying to figure out what this is all about, what this looks like and how to succeed. You have to figure all that out on your own. Anxiety producing!!! 2) You are worried about your parents finances. Perhaps you think you can do more to contribute or feel selfish and undeserving. That can produce anxiety as well.

The other issue is your comparisons to your peers. It sounds like you suffer from a bit of "imposter syndrome" or not feeling good enough to be where you are. Your friends come from educated or better off families. They are "elite" or finances are not a struggle for them. You are in their crowd. Somewhere deep down, you feel you don't belong. You joke about your situation for three reasons: 1) to relieve your own stress about it. 2) to emphasize to them that you know you don't really belong but 3) by being the court jester or the clown they will allow you to stay.

You don't belong to your "old" crowd anymore either. You have moved on, gone to an elite college, have a future. Being a 'tweener is causing you anxiety as well. You don't belong where you are but you don't belong where you've been. Where do you belong? You might not ask that question out loud but part of you is asking this question.

Okay, so now what do you do?

1. Look realistically at your situation and see what you can do, if anything, to contribute more. See if there are things you could be doing to relieve some of the pressure on your parents or if there is some way you can step up to the plate more...take more classes, get better grades or contribute financially (or spend less money). You want to do something, even a small thing, that is constructive. Then you must give yourself credit for it and know you are helping as much as you can.

2. Self-talk. The most important thing. Tell yourself you deserve it. Tell yourself you belong there. Stop thinking about all the reasons you are not "worthy" or deserving. Give yourself some credit for where you are. It's a terrific accomplishment and you need to be okay with it.

3. Get comfortable with the discomfort. Sound strange? Well it is. For someone embarking on a new adventure or a new course in life that no one else that she knows has embarked on, there will be discomfort. You're in a strange land and charting uncharted territory. Give yourself a break but know that you're going to be a bit anxious about it. However, tell yourself you deserve to be there and that everything will work out just fine. It's an adventure! Enjoy it but know you might feel a bit scared from time to time and that the fear is NORMAL. As long as it doesn't control you, healthy fear is a good thing. Just acknowledge it and be okay with it. Celebrate the difference between you and others. No, you are not as privileged as your college friends and more ambitious than your hometown friends. You're not like one or the other. You are YOU and what you are doing is WONDERFUL. It might get lonely sometimes but what are your options? Stop trying? Fail? Reverse your life? Not options. So you are different. Viva la difference! CELEBRATE IT.

4. If you feel guilty about the pressure on your parents decide what you will do for them when you get out of college or grad school. Think of a special trip they'd like to take or something nice for their house. Start planning that and you will be relieved of some of your guilt.

5. Do count your blessings and understand you have a lot of gifts. There are many magnificent things in your life, not the least of which is your relationship with your parents and the terrific college you are attending and the friends you have.

6. Stop comparing your insides to others' outsides. You might think they look "together" but you don't know how they feel. Most college students are anxious and can have bouts of depression no matter where they come from. College is a wonderful time and a stressful time. People must look at you and think you have it all together. Don't compare yourself to anyone else. You cannot know if the other students walking across campus are full of angst or not. Chances are, they are but they're not exactly going to be shouting it as they change classes. Don't try to figure out what is or is not going on with them. A lot of people talk a good game but are a mess inside.

7. Relating your stories can be fun and stress relieving but something tells me you think you go too far. Although others might expect stories, know you can have friendships with less story telling. Keep some things to yourself. Deploy your self-editor and don't share every single thing even if it's funny. Keep a journal and write these things down. You might write a terrific book! Of course this doesn't mean don't ever tell anyone anything but it sounds like you put more on the table than you are actually comfortable with. Hold back a little. Edit what you say a bit more. If you find you are running off more than you like, go home and journal about it. Explore your feelings and find out what is going on with you at the time.

8. Know that you are very smart and have a great future. Enjoy this time of your life. Try to let go of some of the anxiety producing issues and address others. If you feel depressed, write about it. Again, keep a journal. Keep the self-talk POSITIVE. Think about what you can do something about and do it. Everything else, let go.

9. Keep your sense of humor. It will come in handy more often than not and will be more useful to you than just about anything else.

Check back in with me at some point. I'd love to know how you're doing.

Caught By The Ex With A New Date

2005-07-26T17:20:00.000-07:00

Addie,

Help! I was in a relationship for 4.5 years. We were seeing each other for about a year and a half before we moved in together. I felt happy and the relationship didn't have a lot of issues or problems but after the first year I had serious doubts about us being together long term. By that time we had been together 2.5 years and I thought maybe I was just having cold feet about getting more involved. Another six months went by and I still felt the same and talked to him about it. He agreed to back off, as much as he could while living together, and he agreed I was getting commitmentphobic. Nothing changed. It just wasn't it for me but I couldn't seem to move out because it seemed to be such a hassle. Finally I did move out in April. He seemed surprised and very hurt. I worked a lot of hours in May, went on a vacation in June and came back and joined a couple of dating services. I haven't been out on many dates but last night I was in a restaurant, on a first date with someone I had just met (through the personals) and my ex comes into the restaurant. He was visibly upset to see me there with a guy. He called me today and asked how I could do this "so soon." I feel as if I have been on the shelf FOREVER. He's hurt and I feel bad. What should I do? -- Off the Shelf

Dear Off:

I know it's hard but I have to ask how you ran into your ex. Are you dating where he lives/works? Even if you live/work there, it would be wise, knowing his hurt feelings, to date a bit further away from where your shared bed is still warm.

He hasn't been aware of your feelings and people tend to believe what they want. By virtue of the fact that you were still there for many months (or years) after you told him you were having "issues", he probably interpreted it as the storm had blown over. He may have settled in, settled down and was busy fooling himself into believing things were great while you were planning an escape route.

Obviously some of this belongs to him. After you aired your doubts, he should have checked back in with you and you with him. The communication doesn't seem to have been that great. But in any event, he was taken aback and thrown off and is hurt.

Nothing you can do about that except not throw your "moving on" in his face. He doesn't sound like a bad guy and it's best that you move "off campus" with your new dates. PLUS it will make your dates uncomfortable to be running into a fairly recent ex.

Put some distance there and next time you are in a relationship, try to communicate a bit more and ask for communication back. For now, know he's hurt and there is nothing you can do about it. You don't have to explain to him that you've been gone awhile but just say that you think it is time and leave it at that. Try to break the ties to him and let him know you've moved on by actually moving on...ie not being around and not throwing anything in his face.

Good luck.

She Doesn't Want Sister To Move In

2005-07-21T22:10:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

I love my sister who is 4 years younger than me but her lifestyle and choices in men can be BIZARRE. She is having a tough time financially mostly because of the loser boyfriend she was supporting for over a year. She asked me if she can live with me. I live in a small apartment and my sister is a whirlwind. Noisy, messy and fairly inconsiderate. She's one of those Bohemiam (sp?) people who blow in and out of your life. I love her to death but she drives me crazy. I am quiet and subdued and have had a serious boyfriend who is also quiet and we have been together for over 3 years. He and I don't live together and I am afraid one of my sister's loser boyfriends will soon be taking up residence if I let her in. How do I say no? Suddenly Sister-fied

Dear Suddenly,

As I've said in recent posts, when you have to confront a loved one or set a boundary, use "I" statements. Say "I love you. I want what is best for you, but I need my own space." and let that be the answer. She might cajole and whine or manipulate and threaten or even be hurt and cry but you need to stand your ground. Don't go into long winded explanations.

If, and only if, she ASKS you about things, you might want to say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. I feel badly that you don't have any money but you were supporting your boyfriend for a year." That "judgmental" type of answer might open up a firestorm with her...and make her angry, so tread carefully! Don't go there if you are not asked.

With the living situation, just explain calmly and rationally that you need to live alone and even a short-term guest would not work for you. No matter what she answers in response, just stick to your guns. Try not to get into an argument. It's not worth it.

Let her know you'll be there in other ways and tell her you love her.

Best,
Addie

Aunt Need To Get Social Services Involved with Neglectful Parents

2005-07-20T13:51:00.000-07:00

I have been witnessing minor neglect of my 5 nieces and nephews now for 12 years. Every time I say something to the parents they don't let me see the kids for a while. I need to be close to the kids and see them to monitor the situation. The 12 year old boy has been baby sitting his siblings for years now. One of the kids he cares for is one year old and his 4 year old brother is hyper and hard for me to watch myself. The other night they left the kids with no phone. The 12 year old is resentful and sad. The 10 year old girl is made to serve her father and give him back massages and miss school to baby sit her youger siblings. Social services was called by the school but nothing was done. I recently threatend to call myself and now I probably won't get to see the kids for a while. The kids are dirty, the house is filthy and they are miserable. What should I do???????
I have had several talks with my sister in law but she just promises to do something but goes along with her husband. He doesn't work and she does. She relies on him to take care of these kids but instead he pushes the responsibility onto the older kids and sleeps all day. Making them miss school. Please help me to decide what to do. Thank you.

Neglect is defined as when a parent fails to attend to the needs of the children. It can be a "spongy" definition and a lot of people fail to see neglect unless the children are not being fed or properly supervised. Based on your description, it seems they are not properly supervised.

Leaving small children alone with a sibling that is not much older is reckless but leaving them without a phone is a SERIOUS issue. You need to report this NOW. That is completely irresponsible and endangers the children. If the father is not working, there is no reason those children should ever be alone.

Why did you just threaten to call social services? Why didn't you call??? YOU NEED TO CALL. Social services will decide if it is serious enough to investigate. THAT is not your decision, that is their decision. Tell them EVERYTHING that is going on. The school might not have the information you have. You have to tell Social Services the ENTIRE story!!!! And you have to do it before harm comes to those children. Once you tell social services, they will decide what to do but they have to be told.

These are your brother's children? Is he an alcoholic (from the description that is what popped out at me). In addition to reporting this (the truth, the WHOLE truth) to Social Services my suggestions to you are:

1. Ask your sister in law if she would like your help getting her and the children into counseling. Don't listen to promises. Ask for, AND GIVE, clearly defined suggestions such as "I know a counselor who specializes in family issues (or alcoholism if that is the case) and it might help YOU to talk to this person. If you want, I can make an appointment." Then make the appointment and make sure she keeps it.

2. Talk to social services again and again. Don't THREATEN your sister in law with it, DO IT. Also, see if there is something you can do besides just report it. Social service agencies are STRAPPED and everything goes by priority. Unless the children are abused and endangered, this situation might not get to the top of the heap. Let them know how dire the situation is. Clearly describe to them, IN DETAIL, what is going on. If they are not going to investigate IMMEDIATELY, ask them what YOU can do NOW. Ask them to work with you and advise you how to help them.

MAKE SURE YOU TELL SOCIAL SERVICES ABOUT THE LACK OF SUPERVISION AND THE FACT THAT THEY ARE LEFT WITHOUT A PHONE. Tell them that very young children are being left with other minor children and no phone. This is SERIOUS.

Unless YOU make this an issue and let social services know the seriousness of this, they can't HELP YOU or the CHILDREN.

BUG them, get in their face. Call the police if you must the next time it occurs. Talk to your neices and nephews. Make sure they have some way to reach you.

3. Is the father an alcoholic? Does he need help? Are there other family members who can get involved?

You've witnessed this a long time, and you need to ACT now. Not just make suggestions, not just try to monitor, but to take STRONG, POSITIVE ACTION NOW.

Stop talking to the parents. THEY ARE NOT LISTENING. Stop threatening them. DO SOMETHING.

Talk to social services IMMEDIATELY. Talk to the local police. Talk to therapists. Stay on top of it.

Get those children help.

Boyfriend Calls ExGirlfriend and Calls HER a Snoop!

2005-07-20T04:21:00.000-07:00

My boyfriend is calling his ex grilfriend and chatting for hours late at night on the days we aren't together. The reason I know this is I saw his phone bill which was ontop of the dresser. His response is...that I was too snoopy and invaded his privacy and that it was none of my business who he calls. We have been together for 9 years and about a year ago I caught him with this same ex girlfriend and he then admitted he wanted to start seeing other people. I stopped seeing him for about a year and he finally admitted that he was infact dating this other women all along while we were today and that he made a bad choice and wanted to get back together. I agreed to start up the relationship again and we have been together 7 months. Am I wrong for not wanting him to call the ex? Is it any of my business? Snoopy

Dear Snoopy:

Yes, of course it is your business and NO it is not wrong for you to want him not to call his ex. Of course, it sounds like he's going to do what he wants when he wants and if you don't like it, he'll sneak around. He took the focus completely off of what he did wrong and put it on you.

If he left it on top of the dresser, you weren't snooping but so what if you were? It sounds like there are trust issues and they just beget trust issues. If you can't trust him, you will look for evidence to confirm your fears and it sounds like you find it fairly easily. It's not that he is responsible for your behavior, but in a trustworthy situation there is no reason to snoop. Yes, snooping is wrong but cheating is more wrong. Is there emotional cheating? Yes. Is there a failure to honor what your mate wants? Yes. Are they wrong? Let's just say they don't belong in a healthy relationship.

It IS your business what he does if he is your boyfriend. You can't have it both ways. You are either in a relationship or not. If you are in a relationship, what you do with other people is your mate's business.

This does not mean the partner has the right to be suffocating or controlling but the partner has the right to know what is going on. Here, he is saying you do not have that right. WRONG. It IS your right.

In a healthy relationship two people express what is okay and not okay and compromise and go from there. Having relationships with ex lovers should go on the "not okay" list unless two people share a bond that transcends it. Some people can, indeed, be JUST friends with an ex but to make it work it needs to be out in the open and talked about and the current partner needs to be comfortable with it. Here, that is not how it is.

He has seen this ex time and time again. When you confront him, he says he wants to see other people which tells me it was not platonic. He also admits that he's seen people all along. Then he says it is wrong but his behavior speaks VOLUMES that he doesn't think it's wrong because he is CONTINUING TO DO IT.

Therefore, the bigger question is: why are you with him? It sounds like he can't be trusted, he doesn't respect your boundaries, he doesn't honor the relationship or you when he's with these ex's that you don't approve of, and he blames you when he is caught.

This guy is NO prize. He's hurting you and blaming it on you. In a healthy relationship none of this would be happening.

Kick this loser to the curb and look at yourself and find out why and how you can change things to be a happier, healthier person.

Then and only then will you find a healthy partner.

Good luck!

Moving On Can Be Hard to Do

2005-07-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

Hello,

I fell for a fellow student as he went out of his way to get my attention. I have been going through a divorce for several years now and was not looking for a relationship. I was flattered by the attention as he was 12 years younger than me.

I did a stupid thing and allowed a one night indescretion to occur. (this is not at all normal for me). We emailed and discussed the possibility of a "catch as catch can" relationship, which I decided against as I thought it would be devasting to my self esteem.

As recent as last month there was still some interest in a physical (not acted upon) encounter. I unfortunately like this man more than he likes me.

I received an email 3 days ago telling me how he had met a woman 2 months ago and is out of control head over heels. I am taking this very hard as I am in the process of moving from a fabulous house I built to a less than modest home and both of my children are moving away. My divorce has wiped me out financially and I feel so alone sometimes I wish I wasn't living. It is a bad combination of events that I find myself so upset. He said he wants to remain my friend. So, I sent him an email, telling him he needed to let me know he thought of me as friend only and that it hurt me and that he needed to provide his perception of what role my continued presence in his would play. It is too soon to expect any sort of answer as he emailed me he and his new love were heading off for the holiday weekend. I could use some advice on this. Also, we are now both adjunct professors at the same university - thankfully on different nights.

nothing left

Dear Nothing Left:

If you truly feel as if you don't have anything left to live for, PLEASE see a professional immediately. Every ER has a psychiatric clinician that can evaluate you for suicidal ideation. You might also want to see a psychiatrist about antidepressants. I would definitely advise you to get into therapy. You could use someone to talk to!

You have PLENTY to live for....you have plenty left and plenty in front of you. When certain doors close, others open. You can start all over and have a FANTASTIC life in front of you. It might be hard now but you have everything in front of you. EVERYTHING.

However, you need to get in the driver's seat AND look at all of these things in a positive way.

It is not just this relationship that is upsetting you but it's something that's easy to focus on. If you're moving to somewhere else, celebrate the change. A smaller house will be a smaller payment and you can spend your money on other things.

Your children are moving out and you will be free to pursue your own interests and build a life for yourself. You can build a WONDERFUL life for yourself. You need to face these changes as a chance to start over. The possibilities are endless.

To start, you need to bury this relationship. FORGET what his answer is going to be about what kind of relationship you're going to have. Why are you allowing him to define the relationship? Suppose he says I'd like to have physical encounters whenever I like without any commitment? Would you say, "Where do I sign up?" You SHOULDN'T but this is what you've done in the past.

You were in a vulnerable position and you had an indiscretion with a fellow student. That is all it was and all it ever will be.

It is time for you to move on and to take charge of your life. People in vulnerable position do things that only increase their vulnerability. Now you need to understand that is all it was, grieve the relationship that never was and never will be, and move on.

You probably need to take inventory of your marriage, your life, and where you are in life. You are standing on the brink of a NEW CHAPTER!!! New chapters can be EXCITING!!! Moving on from your house and your past problems can be freeing....let the freedom happen.

Grieve all of your losses. Write about it. Cry about it. Talk about it. But let it all go...the marriage, the house, caring for the kids, the financial difficulties and this 'non-relationship'.

You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you in every way: emotionally, physically and mentally. You need to grieve your losses, spend some time picking yourself back up and learning who you are and THEN you need to understand that you DESERVE A RELATIONSHIP with someone willing to COMMIT in every way.

But the only way to find the right person is to BE the right person. That happens when you let go of the past, grieve your losses, and learn who you are. Then you will be ready to DEMAND what you deserve, which is someone who will be there in every way.

You can have that. It will be there. First you need to do your work. Part of that work is moving on from all of this. Let this guy go. Look forward to tomorrow.

Your entire life is in flux and that can be scary. As I said before, you want to consider seeing a therapist. You have a lot of stuff on your plate. But you can walk through it and come out stronger and better and go on to have a happy healthy life.
Good luck.

Medication and Herbal Remedies

2005-07-13T16:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

I am someone who knows a lot of the ins and outs min the psychological field. I have gone to a level 5 school and been to an RTC. I used to be on medication but I have always hated how drugged up they make me feel. At the schools I have gone to they definitely believed in over-medication. I started feeling a little depressed lately and read about St. John's Wart online and was wondering if someone with a degree would recommend it. I know, at least in the US, this is not typically practiced in the therapeutic environment...you tend to promote other FDA approved medications, but I really am against them, unless in severe cases. -MedicallyQuestioning

Dear Medically,

I am not a psychopharmachologist or a psychiatrist. The people that I've worked with in therapy who are taking medications are working with a psychiatrist. Sometimes they discuss some issues or difficulties with a particular med and I usually suggest they speak to their doctor. Sometimes people think something is wrong with THEM because they are not feeling better, and sometimes worse, on a particular medication. NO NO NO. If a medication is not doing what it is supposed to be doing, you need to talk to your doctor and try another medication.

Not every drug works the same on every person. For example, most SSRIs (Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft) are said to give a person some energy and that weight loss can be a side effect. But there are people who have a completely opposite reaction. They feel sleepy and gain weight.

A drug like Wellbutrin has been used to help people quit smoking although it's an antidepressant. Some people take it and report absolutely no side effects. Others feel "weird" on it. Same things are reported for some of the newer drugs, Lexapro etc.

Psychopharmachology is not an exact science. Each person is different. Sometimes you need 3 or 4 different tries before you get it right. The same can be said of dosage. A doctor and patient need to work together to get the dosage right. If you felt "drugged" that is not the drug for you.

As far as herbal remedies go, as with pharmaceuticals, I don't recommend anything. I leave that up to a medical doctor and a patient. Some doctors are open to certain herbal remedies and others are not. I usually do my own research before trying something. I took Melatonin for years to help me sleep and then someone told me they read that it was connected to memory loss. The person who told me this was a source I respected and I stopped taking it. You might have different sources for your research.

Research, research, research. NO MATTER WHAT MEDICATION you are taking or trying. There is no substitute for being a well educated patient.

Know what you are taking. Know why you are taking it. If it doesn't feel right, talk to your doctor and only go on or off a medication under doctor supervision. Going on or off on your own can be dangerous.

Stay educated. Talk to your doctor. Do your own homework. Make informed decisions.

Playing Hard To Get

2005-07-10T09:55:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

A friend of mine recently commented on my relationships which seem to end early and often. I was feeling very depressed and she said that men like women who are hard to get and I am too available and too eager to please. I like being in a relationship and I like having a boyfriend. I don't want to play games because I don't think that is the answer. I don't appreciate her comments either as if all the problems in my relationships are my fault. Is playing hard to get a headgame or a good strategy?

Eager to be loved

Dear Eager:

First of all, it takes a good friend to tell us the truth and a bad one to just rubber stamp what we do. It's good to have a friend who will tell you the hard to hear things you need to hear or to burst our bubble with a reality check.

Second, you don't give me details but if your relationships are ending "early and often", it is time to look at you. The common denominator of your failed relationships is you. And you are the only thing you can do anything about. So looking at your part in all this will be helpful to achieve your goal which is a long term, lasting relationship.

The first thing to look at are the men you are picking. Are they all unavailable in some way? Either just broken off a serious relationship or never had one (sign of commitment phobia)? If so, perhaps you are really trying to avoid a relationship by picking the wrong guys. Look at that and be honest with yourself about who you are picking and why. Secondly, is there discretion on your part or do you like anyone who likes you? People (both male and female) can pick up on desperation and desperation is NOT an attractive trait and does drive people away (even other desperate people!).

Now to your main question: playing hard to get. This is a complicated subject but I'll give you a brief overview and you can decide for yourself what to do.

In very general terms (and Addie's caveat is that there are always exceptions to the rules) women fear abandonment and men fear engulfment. It's an age old push me pull me quandry.

The place where most people are satisfied is somewhere in the middle.

Again, this is a generalization but it works, in general, for most people.

If you are seeming too eager and too available, you might have fears of abandonment that you need to look at. If your eagerness and availability is TOO MUCH for the other person, he could fear engulfment and RUN (again, none of this is conscious behavior so don't ask someone if they are feeling engulfed, they probably don't know WHAT they're feeling).

If a person is fairly normal, they are going to enjoy their relationship the MOST in the middle space between engulfment and abandonment. And satisfied people give freely and want intimacy. Therefore you're looking for the middle.

Part of conveying to a man that you are ready, willing and able to exist in the middle (ie not engulf him) is to be unavailable sometimes, to be independent and off on your own, to have your own friends and your own interests. For most men, that works well.

If a man is overbearing, jealous or controlling, this isn't going to work for him but you're not looking to snag that kind of beast. You want a "regular" guy, with minimum issues and a deep down desire for a long term relationship. Those guys want the middle road.

Is it playing a game to be unavailable when you'd like to be available? No it's not. You are doing two things here: 1) giving him space to be comfortable and 2) not losing yourself in your relationship.

It's odd that the women who are happiest in relationships are also the women who are happiest on their own.

Don't answer every phone call, don't be available for every plan, don't drop your friends and prior engagements for him.

However, don't be SO unavailable that he loses interest or starts to feel abandonment issues of his own.

Remember, the balance is in the middle. That is what you're striving for. Call it a temperature gauge, a thermostat, not a game. It's just recognizing that there is a balance of intimacy that must be achieved for anyone to last in a relationship.

A lot of women seem to desire closeness that feels suffocating to some men and they don't understand why he can't just change and snuggle up with her. The odd thing is that once you are independent and non-theatening to his engulfment issues, the more snuggling you're going to get. Plus your bonus is that when you're not constantly focused on him and being with him and cocooning with him, your life happens separate and apart from him. If there ever is a time when you need to break up, there's not an issue of having NOTHING without him.

Everyone wins.

Try it. It works. The final thing you need to know is that this is not just a "charade" you play. It's not that you are going to let him chase you until you catch him. Wrong.

This is a place you should strive to be no matter how long your relationship lasts. Don't wait until he falls in love with you and then morph back into the engulfing she devil of his nightmares. Because people do fall OUT of love when you let your true self out once they fall for you.

Instead, cultivate the independent person who exists in the middle. Let that become who you are. Become someone who is a cuddly creature but who also has her own life.

Resist the urge to always be available, to always be there. Even if it means you need to walk away sometimes from him when he does want to snuggle or to go away for the weekend or something. Again, balance. Keep him wanting you. Don't always be at his ready because he will take that for granted.

Keep the magic going for years and years. Good luck!

How To Move ON Once and For All

2005-07-07T19:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie:
I really feel stupid about asking this question cause I feel embarrased and ashamed and feel as if I should know better because in my head, I know that this is a hopeless situation. My husband of almost 1 year and I are separted and planning to divorce after the legal waiting period this Sept. The problem..I still am deeply in love with him.

This guy has done some REALLY rotten things..NOT the LEAST being him sleeping with his ex-girlfriend on our wedding night and getting his girlfriend pregnant. We have a 3 year old son together, and he bought me a new home very recently. He also claims that he is trying to change his life by joining church and seeing a counselor bi-monthly, however when I suggest that we try marriage counseling he clams up and says he has too many "issues" he's dealing with right now.

How do I get out of this situation..he provides for me & my son very well financially and claims he does NOT want the divorce, but still maintains his own home across town. He insist that I be the one to "technically" file because it is not biblical to divorce..I know very hypocritical..and when I point that out to him he always replies "Do two wrongs make a right?"

We even work out together at the gym once week and get along great.
I've been feeling lately that he would be HAPPY to have me caught up in this situation forever..but I've realized that I want a chance for a happy healthy relationship and normal family life and I'm not sure I can ever break free of this "relationship". I tried cutting off all contact with him, but it is very difficult because of our son. I just don't know what I should do..wait more in hopes that things will change or move on, and if the latter how??? My friends have told me to date other people, and that works for a while but then I end up really missing him and end up right back into our emotional rollercoaster time and time again..I'm wondering if even being legally divorced will set me free from this trap? Another friend suggested that I move across country, but my son & he are very close and though suspect that would help, I can't justify taking my son away from his father.

Please help, I need some sane advice and frankly I don't trust my heart or head anymore!
Signed
Monster Marriage

Dear Monster Marriage:

There is a lot of stuff here and I will try to give you the best advice I can under the circumstances and in light of all the issues you bring up here.

First of all, there is A LOT of stuff here and I do suggest you get into therapy to help you work through it.

For now, I will tell you that to be a happy and healthy person you have to be able to resist the urge to scratch every time you have an itch. What I mean is that if you go to him every time you miss him, you will never get out. Part of breaking up and moving on is missing the person you are breaking up with. It's part of the grief process, the healing process. YOU MUST learn to tolerate it without scratching! DO NOT call him, DO NOT see him just because you miss him. Even if you feel you are losing your mind, you are not. It is a normal and natural grief process. LET IT HAPPEN. Cry, feel lousy, walk the floors, pound on the bed, but DO NOT call him and DO NOT cut the process short. It will end and it will result in you being stronger and healthier and happier if you stop trying to short circuit it.

Second, STOP hanging out with him. You are trying to move away. If the relationship is DEAD, bury it. You are not his friend and cannot be his friend until you are romantically uninvolved. Maybe some other time but NOT NOW.

Third, WHY are you deeply in love with someone who cheated on you on your WEDDING NIGHT???? Even if he has changed, this is so appalling, I cannot imagine ever forgiving this.

A healthy person would NOT ever want this person near them.

Love is WHAT YOU DO, not what you say. It sounds like he has done some horrendous things. Why do you think you deserve someone like this?

Fourth, you give him credit for what he is supposed to be doing. If he is well off and he provides for you and your son, that is what he is SUPPOSED to do. Just because there are so many deadbeats avoiding their child support, does not mean that those that do as the law requires get extra points. Additionally, EVEN if it were ultra commendable, that is no reason to stay with him if you want to go.

You seem to have very serious self-esteem issues and a lot of difficulty in letting go and moving on. You need to work on these issues if you ever want to be healthy and happy.

You are both sending each other mixed messages and neither of you have great boundaries. Please review my previous posts on boundaries, on letting go and being okay with you.

Your child does not need this crazy, unsure life. It's pretty nuts. You need to move on and say what you mean and mean what you say. Your messages to him are so jumbled, its no wonder he's here, there and everywhere.

If you're going, go. And act like someone who wants to be gone. DO NOT hang out with him, do not send mixed messages and buck up and get through the tough task of letting go.

You cannot hold on and let go at the same time.

Get some support and do what you need to do to move on. If you need to, write me again and let me know how you are doing or if you have questions.

YOU CAN DO IT!!!!

A Crush On A CoWorker and Filing For Divorce

2005-07-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

I have been in somewhat of a "loveless" marriage for the past several years. It's not abusive or particularly difficult which is why I stayed so long.

It's not that I'm just bored either or having some kind of 7 year itch. Things have been difficult in the past, things were said, things were done that I thought I had forgiven but hadn't (there hasn't been any abuse or infidelity but a lot of 'meanness' at certain times and other times when my husband simply wanted things his way or no way at all and really was difficult when things didn't go his way). A lot of the fireworks died down in recent years (both the good kind and the bad kind) and I've tried to just be okay that my husband isn't "perfect" but a lot of things that happened in the past have kept me from trying for a few years. A couple of friends suggested we mellowed or become content but I have not felt content in years. No drama but not exactly content either. I feel generally uneasy and unhappy most of the time when it comes to my marriage. I have a good job, good friends and other interests but in the past few years have felt really sad at the thought of walking through the door to my own home at night.

A few months ago I developed a magnificent crush on a very happily married coworker. When I started to have these feelings I thought I needed to turn my attention to my marriage and work on things there. I thought that if my marriage were really working (and not just limping along), I wouldn't have these feelings. Well I started to spend more time with my husband, do more things that he wanted and even spice things up in the bedroom. Well, my crush died down and my husband was happy, even attentive, but I continued to feel as if I was just going through the motions.

I took some time out, spent a week at my parents and came home and asked for a divorce. My husband was stunned but agreed to move out. Instead of being happy, I fell apart when he left. Still I didn't take him back but pulled myself back together to file for divorce. Now my crush is back on my coworker and I feel not only ridiculous but terribly confused. What am I doing and why? -Where AM I? Who Am I??

Dear Where:

Of course you are feeling lost and unsure as to who you are. After living in a state of numbness for years, you have finally awakened all the systems at once!!!

All of the time you have spent trying to avoid feeling anything put you into a state of delayed grief. Your marriage, your hopes and your dreams were gone. Whenever we lose something or our life changes, grief is the NORMAL response. When it is completely repressed or inhibited, it doesn't go away, it just festers underneath the surface.

Now that you have taken action, your feelings are awake and cannot be suppressed right now. The issues are too BIG, your defenses are NOT working. However, instead of facing the grief and the end of your marriage, you have become sidetracked by this crush. The feelings came zooming back to protect you from the grief you need to feel. There is only one way out and that is through. You MUST grieve this relationship if you are to heal and find a better one.

There is only one thing to do. Feel the grief. Feel the hurt, the anger, the loneliness, the pain. Feel it all. Allow it to happen. Know you will cry. Know you will feel angry and know that some days you won't feel much of anything and then POW! It will start all over again.

It is a process and at times it will feel like a loooooooooooooooong process. But there is hope at the end of the process. There is a new, different you. There is healing and growing and you will love again if you let this grief happen. If you continue to repress and suppress it or avoid it, it will continue to be expressed in unhealthy and sometimes inappropriate ways.

You must allow yourself your feelings. You must share how you are feeling with friends, loved ones, others who have been there. You must journal and write all your feelings out. Scream, cry, vent. Pound the table. Walk the floor. Feel like you're going nuts. Go nuts.

But you MUST allow yourself the process and you must have good and appropriate support in place during this time.

Also remember to give yourself time for yourself. Time with friends. Time to be pampered.

Do not rush into another relationship. This is all new and you need time to heal.

Be good to yourself and good things will follow. Take care of you. Always.

Best,

Addie

Boundaries AGAIN

2005-06-27T16:46:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

One of my best friends just left after visiting with me for a week with her 12 year old son. We had a fairly nice visit but I had to keep taking things away from him. Not only books and knick knacks but also my laptop computer. At one point he was sitting in a wet bathing suit on the good sofa playing solitaire on my laptop. He was told not to go in the living room, not to sit on the furniture in a wet suit and was never given permission to use my laptop.

I took the laptop and said I would appreciate it if he did not touch it again. My own children, who are older, would NEVER touch my computer without asking. I asked him to please change his clothes and not to go in the formal living room again. It's a refuge for me. It's full of my antiques and books and an old fireplace. It's not a place for children.

He did not object or complain and did as I asked him to but after they left I found several books of mine (from the formal living room) in the room he slept in. While they were here, it was obvious that he does what he wants with his mother's things and he grabs a lot of things from her (food etc). I would never tolerate that in my children. He also argues with her and swats at her as if he is going to hit her, another thing I will not ever tolerate in my children.

Should I say something to my friend?

-Weary Host

Dear Weary:

It sounds as if you have very good boundaries and you say what you mean and mean what you say. That is why, when you explained the rules to this young man, he did not argue. He knows you mean it.

Still, he has a poor sense of boundaries because his mother has obviously not taught him that he begins and ends someplace and she begins and ends someplace else. The arguing and swatting is absolutely unacceptable and any parent who allows that is just courting trouble.

By the fact that you found your books in his room show that he didn't respect your boundaries and resorted to being a sneak. Obviously he gets away with things out in the open and when he is called on his behavior, he resorts to sneaking around.

He is a child who wants what he wants when he wants it. And it is the result of someone who has gotten it all along.

My guess is that your feedback will not be welcomed by your friend but perhaps you can listen to her and if there is an opening at some future date, talk about the boundaries and respect issue.

Someone who is hovering on adolescence is going to be dangerous if his parent does not put him in his place AND SOON.

You can broach the subject or wait until your friend discusses her son. Tread lightly. It's a difficult position to be in and if she is unwilling to listen, back off and let her know you're there for her. It sounds like she is going to need all the friends she can get as this kid becomes a teenager.

Good luck.

When An Adventure Becomes a Sentence

2005-06-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

Last year, I graduated from grad school and moved alone to an entirely new partof the country. At first, moving on my own to someplace new was exciting, and anopportunity to start a new life outside of college.

The first week I was here, I met up with a girlfriend, and started to makefriends through her...Last month, we started to live together. The move seems to have made herwithdrawn, even resentful to me saying she needs her space. Her friends think Imnot very good for her, which has left me struggling in the last few weeks tofind someone to talk to, and making me feel uncomfortable and awkward in my ownhome.

I try my best to go out, travel alone, attempt to make friends, butsometimes it can be very depressing, escpecially when you want to make friendsso badly and you end up trying too hard.I feel like Ive been thinking up and down my situation, with no real solution.Do you have any similar experiences?thanks in advance-rocksanddirt

Dear Rocks,

First of all, congratulations on being adventurous!

It certainly is a tough choice but it DOES have its benefits. Keep going with the adventure. It should reap rewards at some point!

It certainly sounds like you started out to have an adventure and were sidetracked by finding a relationship the very first week.

Secondly, you met all your friends through her so that now your friends and your girlfriend are inextricably linked.

Third, you moved in with her and now she is having cold feet about the entire thing and blaming you because she needs "space".

Now everything feels uncomfortable!

It's a tough situation to be in but you live and learn. Now you know.

Take a step back. See where you went wrong. You moved for an adventure and then put all your eggs in one basket very prematurely.

Where's the adventure?

It's still waiting for you. Extricate yourself from your current situation and get on with it.

You don't say how work is going. I'm assuming you moved there for a job. If things are going well and it's a good move career wise, I suggest you stay in the area and move out on the girlfriend.

Second, stop talking to her friends about her because you are just hearing how you are no good for her. If that is the case, she's the one who decided to move in with you. She made her decision and if it's not a good one, it means she made the wrong decision, not that YOU are to blame. You're in a tough situation, you need to find new friends, leave an apt and a girlfriend. You don't need to invite negative comments as well.

Let go of the old and let the new happen slowly. Pull back if you think you're trying too hard to make new friends. Talk to some of your old friends (from back home or college, not your girlfriend's friends).

Look for new things to do. If you're sports minded, join a league. If you're academic, join a book club or some other type of club. If you're political, volunteer for a campaign or an issue that you care about. Maybe the first one or two things you try might not be a good fit, try something else.

Give yourself time to establish yourself and your life. Don't jump into the next relationship until you have done so. Go slow with friendships.

Desperation is never attractive in friends or lovers. It sounds like you're an outgoing person who can travel alone and do new things. Let that be a positive trait that people are drawn to. You want likeminded people and those who know what they want (unlike your present girfriend). Try to find people who are independent like you are but who want company.

As you're going to new things, try to sort out why you were attracted to this woman. It doesn't sound like a great match. It sounds like you were filling a void with her. Try to go slowly from now on and establish your own life before becoming involved again.

It's a slower but much more worthwhile process!

The Danger of Mixed Messages

2005-06-22T10:08:00.000-07:00

hi addie!

i feel like im in this trap that i cant get out of. help me please.
if someone just randomly flirts with you, and you begin to think he has something for you...and you start to have something for him too..only to realise the guy was just randomly flirting and it meant nothing to him..but you guys are good friends and he's really fond of you...now of course you have feelings other than that too, for him...what should you do? i dont wanna confront him or be rude at all..we meet up alot....alone too...and i wanna remain close to him...but i wanna understand whats going on...

a friend told me i should firstly stop flirting with him myself...and if he keeps flirting i should just ignore it, and keep telling myself that he's just being nice, and that its not flirting in the first place..but then he does things like this: like he'll pretend to be hitting me..but end up just stroking my hair..and i think he just needs an excuse to touch me...not in a perverted way though..he's not like that.. then he keeps complimenting me...keeps telling me im hot even though he doesnt usually do that with ppl...also when we're together he looks me RIGHT in the eye...like we're really close(physically)..and sometimes its so close its uncomfortable...cuz i keep thinking it means something to him!!

help me please.
love,
*lost*
P.S. please don't tell me i should tell him i like him, as i reallly cant do that..its really hard..and i think he will get freaked out.

Dear Lost:

It sounds confusing because it IS confusing. You are receiving, and probably sending, mixed messages. Perhaps that is why your friend suggested that you stop flirting with him first and to ignore him when he does it.

What your friend is suggesting is putting the onus on him to either stop flirting or get serious about what messages he wants to send. He seems to be sending messages which may be fun and safe for him but is driving you crazy!!!

So I think your friend's suggestion to stop flirting back is a good one and to ignore his flirtations. Otherwise that is all you are going to get. He's having a good time with it, it's not bothering him, so he's not going to stop it. The only way it will stop is if you want it to.

First ask yourself if you really do want it to stop.

Maybe you're having fun too and don't really want to take it to the next level. Suppose you become boyfriend and girlfriend and he's still flirting and clowning around with other girls, is that going to bother you?

How do you know that won't be the case?

In other words, do you like him simply because he is flirtatious and touchy? Because that might be the way he is and he won't change even if he is in a relationship. You have to think long and hard if this is the person you want to be with. You have to think long and hard about why you like him. Someone who "pretends to be hitting" sounds like he is in the 4th grade. That is NOT the behavior one desires in a mature relationship. He sounds like a little boy. It may be endearing and charming to you as a flirtation but do you really want it in a boyfriend?

It's okay to have a crush and be flirtatious and NOT bring it to the next level. You might not like what it looks like at the next level. It's okay to have a crush on someone inappropriate without turning it "into" something. It just makes the everyday and the mundane a little more exciting.

If you do want to bring it to the next level, you will need to figure out

1. why and
2. how.

If you stop flirting, it might cause him concern and he might stop fooling around long enough to ask you what is the problem. But if he's not that mature, it might just go on and on the way it is and he might be oblivious. You might want to stop flirting and see what happens and then make your decision at that point.

Keep in touch!

New Relationships & Old Friends

2005-06-10T15:53:00.000-07:00

I am in a new relationship (4 months). We both feel we are perfectly matched and we are in love. Being together is just the greatest experience. So we spend just about all of our time together. I've never met anyone that I can just be with for hours and hours and hours and enjoy every single moment, no matter what we're doing.

So what is the problem? Well, I have not seen much of my friends the past few months and neither has my significant other. Both sets of friends are beginning to complain. Both of us are feeling very resentful. We both went through difficult breakups and many tough times over the past several years. We do not understand why our friends can't just be happy for us. Some have even taken to "warning" us that we are becoming "enmeshed." We are both feeling angry at our friends and their failure to be happy for us.

Frustrated Lovebird

Dear Frustrated:

It's interesting that neither your letter nor your email address allows me to define your gender. However, all genders go through this and all relationships, whether gay or straight, can experience this.

These are always difficult situations. I'm sure your friends WANT to be happy for you and probably ARE happy for you. My guess is that your friends miss you and want to see you. They really can't judge you as "enmeshed" or not enmeshed because even though that word is bandied about freely, it really is a pathological state that doesn't normally develop in 4 months (though a predisposition toward enmeshment might be the history of you or your s.o. but you haven't told me that so I don't know.)

The bottom line is that they 1) miss you 2) probably do worry about the lack of balance in your life right now and 3) want to let you know they are still there.

I know it is hard to tear yourself away but maybe you can move toward restoring some balance. The Addie Golden Rule about Your Life is DIVERSIFICATION and BALANCE.

Your friends may miss you and start to feel resentful that you don't miss them. Friends want to be wanted. Friends don't like to feel like filler. They like to feel like they matter.

That is why I suggest that not only should you spend some time with them but do it when your mate is available to you. Another thing that new couples do is see their friends ONLY when the partner is busy or working. Friends pick up on that quite quickly and resent it. Your friends want to feel special too. They love you, they miss you and it is in your best interest to stay connected to your friends in case bumpy times come up. I know you can't imagine it now, but it might happen.

Also, there will most likely be a point when you DO want to see your friends again, when you do want to do something than spend all your time with your love (and if that doesn't happen by a year or so THEN you worry about enmeshment, because there's a chance it has occurred.). When that happens, you don't want your friends to say too bad for you.

Friendships need to be nurtured to be maintained. You can't expect all your friends to just bend and fold in response to how available you are because you are or are not in a relationship. While they are probably VERY happy for YOU, they have feelings too.

They want to know they matter.
They want to know you care.
They want to know you weren't just using them until the love of your life came along.

You said you've both been through tough times. I imagine those friends were there for you then. They cared about you. They enjoyed you. They were part of your life. You were part of theirs.

They miss you. Go back. Figure out a way to have all of it in your life. YOU NEED IT. THEY NEED IT. It's good and healthy and keeps your life in perspective

Spend some time with them. Spend some time with your friends and then slowly introduce your partner to your friends and visa versa.

Balance.

Keep it healthy.

Best of luck to you and your new love.

Can I Find Someone To Love Me?

2005-06-08T20:51:00.000-07:00

Addie,

I am considering on-line dating. Maybe I'm too late. I'm almost 40 and have not really been on-line very long. I have had several failed long term relationships and have never been married. I think I'm attractive. I have a good career and seem to have nice friends. I'm scared to death of any kind of blind dating but on-line dating is terrifying. Some of my friends suggest I try it. Can I find love? What Do You Think?

Single Surfer

Dear Single,

Do your research.

There are some very reputable services and then there are other places that, I can only guess, are freak magnets. There are also some good video dating services for professionals where you meet for lunch.

Meeting during the week, for lunch, gives you a short and sweet meet and greet.

You both need to eat anyway. The pressure is not great as it would be on a Friday or Saturday night. Also, on a weekend date, saying goodnight can be awkward or you are not sure when to end it. If you meet during the week, for lunch, the time is usually well-defined (12 to 1 or so). No pressure, well defined limits. Works every time.

So if you like each other you can slowly take it to the next level and if you don't, you haven't invested very much.

Be very careful about becoming too intimate too soon in email. It's easy to do and can be very deceiving. Spend some time in email to get to know someone but spend time talking on the phone and then meet (in public) fairly soon. Falling for someone only in email is a dangerous thing. Not only can people misrepresent in email but you can read something into an email that isn't there.

AGAIN, DO YOUR HOMEWORK!!!

Go on objective message boards (meaning not ones sponsored by the service) and read what people say and recommend. Find the most reputable services. Make sure to have your dates in public and during the day. Keep yourself safe and don't make quick decisions.

You say you have nice friends. Don't let go of them. Keep them involved in your process so that they can serve as a sounding board for you. Utilize your friends and keep balance in your life. Dating can be a heady experience and we can be easily swept away by it. Remember to take time for you and time for family and friends.

BALANCE IS THE KEY TO A HEALTHY LIFE. This means don't get too wrapped up in any one thing. Not a person, not the computer, not your job. Think about the balance in your life. Balance is always important.

Jim Cramer, the investment guru, does a segment on his show, Mad Money, called, "Am I Diversified?" to see if people have a diverse stock portfolio. People call up and tell him their top 5 holdings and he tells them if they are diversified in their stock holdings. Well, look at your life holdings and see if you are diversified. See if there is balance and variety and strive for diversification.

Diversification is IMPORTANT in LIFE,

probably MORE SO, than in your stock portfolio.

A warning to you and to all who are new to the internet and new to on-line dating: do not get carried away! STAY DIVERSIFIED. Pick your head up from the keyboard once in a while. Go out into the world once in a while. The internet can be a powerful addiction for lonely people. It's a very artificial environment. Beware. Use it carefully!

The last thing I will caution you about is looking for "love". Try to have a fun time. Date. Meet people. Look for friends. Love will happen. Don't try too hard.

Above all, be safe and have fun.

Mom Is "Way Firm"

2005-06-08T20:40:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie:

My mom has always been way firm like you say parents should be.

I'm a 23 yr old guy and my oldest brother is getting married in August. Mom has been taking every opportunity she can get to remind us of our "manners" because we are meeting his girlfriend's family soon. She wants me to stop buttering my bread, the whole slice at a time. She says to break off a piece and butter just that piece and it should be a "bitesize" piece. It's annoying. I have no idea why it matters how I eat bread.

I Just Want To Eat

Dear I,

Thank you for sending the most light hearted post or problem I've heard in years!

I know that moms who insist on manners can be horrid. ;) I have to applaud your mother, and any other mother of sons, for even trying.

I'm told the bread issue actually goes back to England. The upper class would eat bread in the way your mom wants you to eat bread so that no bread was wasted. The scraps (unused bread) would go to feed the poor.

Of course we don't butter our bread like that for the same reasons. However, it's still seen as a sign of someone who is of the "upper" class (perhaps not monied, but classy). So it is considered a sign of impeccable manners to pull off one bite sized piece of bread, butter it and eat it rather than slather the whole piece with butter.

I know it's hard being so traumatized by mom over this bread situation, but try to pull yourself out of your depression and indulge mom for brother's wedding prep. :-)

Again, thanks for the enjoyable letter! Have fun.

Child Hits Mother

2005-06-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

I was in a store today and a mother was speaking on her cell phone and her child, a girl about 6 or 7, was hitting her. The woman absent mindedly told her to stop but was engrossed in her call. After she hung up the child continued to hit her and the woman said "comon stop" the way you would to a bothersome older brother. The woman was in her 30s. The girl was saying "Mommy, I want....." whatever and mom wasn't listening.

Appalled

Dear Appalled,

We do reap what we sow. It's always hard for Addie not to go on a rant about out of control children. There are entirely too many in today's society. Parents are not setting limits and boundaries and not holding children responsible for their actions. It's an epidemic.

Children need and WANT limits and boundaries.

The world is a very scary place when you're small and the people in charge seem hapless and unable to set limits with you. How are these grownups going to protect you from something terrible? Children need to know you are in control because they need YOU to be. When you let them take charge, they wind up hating you for it. No one respects someone who is weak and wishy washy. Especially when that person is supposed to be IN CHARGE! You are not supposed to be their friend or sibling. YOU ARE THE PARENT. ACT LIKE ONE.

Let me repeat it: CHILDREN NEED LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES.

No parent should ever let a child hit them, not in kidding or serious. Not at 6 months, 6 years or 16 years. A parent should firmly take the child's hands and go "No." You must demand respect from your children.

BUT having said that, you have to give respect and one of the ways is to PAY ATTENTION to your children. And that doesn't mean indulging them when you realize they are there (I think a lot of permissiveness stems from guilt) but being there when they are there. Getting off the cell phone. Being WITH the child. While there is NO excuse for a child to EVER hit a parent, a child who is frustrated and ignored will behave negatively. Parents need to attend to their children and while they are at it, teach them respect for adults, limits and boundaries.

Parents:Wake up!

Should I Let My Former Supervisor Know How I Feel?

2005-06-08T08:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

I am leaving a job that I really loved, after 2 years. One reason is my inability to work with one of the supervisors. I think she has a lot of issues and takes it out on the people that work for her. She is known as a menace and no one likes to work with her. Everyone complains about her.

There is some history there that no one who has been here less than ten years seems to know. We think there was a lawsuit of some kind somewhere down the road but no one is sure what the real story is.

However, her bad behavior is accepted by the supervisors above her even though it's fairly clear that none of them have a lot of respect for her or would tolerate it in anyone else. One of the reasons I'm leaving is that I have no recourse when subjected to her bullying and nastiness. No one wants to hear you complain about it.

I've been angry for most of the last six months, not just at her but at the way her behavior is allowed by others. I have an exit interview with another supervisor (her boss) and I would love to tell him why I'm leaving and how this one person makes the workplace so impossible (I'm not the first to leave over her).
Ready to Bolt

Dear Ready,

It does indeed sound like a difficult situation that has been dire enough for you to leave a job you say you "loved." It is hard to find a job you really love so I hope you are going onto greener pastures.

It is always difficult to know what to say and how to say it in an exit interview. On one hand, you want to let them know that someone very destructive is working there but on the other hand, it seems that they know about it and have chosen to do nothing about it. It seems you have used the "accept it, change it or leave" rule to make your decision. You couldn't change it and you couldn't accept it (and it sounds as if you gave each of those options a chance) and now you leave. Good for you.

You need to ask yourself if expressing your anger and frustration will burn this bridge. If not, maybe you should speak up but if you think there is a chance that it will burn the bridge, you might want to avoid a confrontation. You've made your decision. It sounds as if others have made the same decision for the same reason and nothing changes. The fact that your complaints will a) not change your plans and b) not change the situation, brings us to why you need to address this. If it's an air-clearing, soul-baring, "I'm angry and need to let you know" thing, it may come with unintended consequences. You might need a job or a reference down the road and even though they liked you and you liked the job (sans the dreaded supervisor), you might not have all the options you need. Think about it carefully.

Before your exit interview, make a list of the pros and the cons of making your feelings known on the way out the door. Put all the pros on one side and all the cons on the other. Don't necessarily think that just because there are more than one or the other, that's the answer. It also matters how big the pros are and how big the cons are.

Look over your list. Figure out what each one will cost or what is to be gained. By looking at what you have to gain and what you have to lose, in black and white, you can decide the best course of action. Best of luck in your new endeavors.

My Fiance Is In Rehab

2005-06-07T16:16:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

First of all, thank you for this column. I am in the middle of a difficult time. My fiance is a financial analyst who has worked long hours and has put all of himself into his job. We've known each other for many years and were engaged after grad school. We haven't set a date because we were both becoming established in our career. About a year and a half ago we were in a fairly serious car accident. I was less injured than he was but he returned to work much faster than the doctors suggested. After that he seemed to change. I thought it was because he was in pain. Over the past year he's grown moody and distant, all the while telling me it was him and not me. I knew the pressures on his job were great. Recently he checked himself into a rehab for addiction to pain killers. I went to a family therapy session to support him and they suggested I go to a support group of my own like Nar Anon or Al-Anon or something like that. My family is very stoic and I am afraid they will see my participation in this as being weak. Is this necessary to help him? Thank you.
AnonAnon

Dear Anon:

First I commend your fiance and you for seeking help. It is a very brave thing you are both doing. My thoughts are with you both.

Being the partner of an addict is a very challenging and difficult position. You may not have noticed it but perhaps you too have changed in response to your fiance's addiction behaviors. What going to a support group will do is to help you not lose yourself in this time where he will be doing what he can to get well. It is a family disease to be sure and you might not realize how you have been affected. Try a few (not one, not two, but a few) meetings and just listen to what everyone has to say. They will caution you to

"identify, don't compare"

and for you it will be important because it sounds like your fiance's addiction was only active for a year. It might be easy for you to think you don't need it after hearing people talking about years of struggling with the diseases of drug and alcohol addiction. Try to keep an open mind and just "take what you like and leave the rest" as they say.

If you feel brave, you can introduce yourself but you don't have to share if you won't want to. You might feel differently about going there after you've attended.

I won't burden you now with my views on what partners of addicts must do for themselves, but I would like to gently insist that you take care of yourself and seek the support you need, even if you can't see that you do need it. A lot of people in 12 step programs come from "stoic" families and feel some shame or disappointment in themselvse for being there.

Going to support groups is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.

The members of these groups talk about their own issues with family reaction to their meetings, they learn that it's okay to be there and that it is not a sign of weakness. You will learn this too. Give it a chance. Allow yourself to be okay with all of this.

Keep in touch as you venture into this new world. Feel free to write and ask any questions. Addie is rooting for you both.

Is He A Sneak or a Private Person?

2005-06-07T06:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

My boyfriend and I are talking about moving in together. We've been together about 3 months. One thing that keeps coming up for us is the issue of privacy. He keeps saying I am not respecting his privacy or he says I am trying to control him. If he gets a phonecall and I ask who it is, he complains that I am prying. Most of the time I'm just asking out of curiosity, not a need to pry. Other times he tells me he is a private person and if I can't respect that, we don't have a future. I feel very boxed in by my inability to ask him questions. He tells me that he has been involved with controlling women in the past and he has learned the best way to keep from being controlled is not to let them in "too far". He won't discuss his children from a former marriage, his past relationships, his finances or what he does in his time away from me. He tells me he's not a sneak, just a private person and to leave him alone. I hope that he opens up some after we move in together. How can I help to see I'm not trying to control him?
-Free Bird Lover

Dear Free:

There is so much going on here on so many levels, I don't know where to begin! First of all, why would you even begin to consider moving in with someone, anyone after only 3 months? There used to be an old fashioned idea called "courtship" and that was when two people were able to learn whether or not they were compatible. Granted, people sometimes acted on their best behavior and they weren't really compatible and trouble happened later, but for the most part you garnered a good feel for who this person is. Addie has seen this troubling trend to move in together or have children together or marry and ask questions later!!!! BAD BAD BAD. What is the rush? The rush to be intricately tied to someone you may not be able to stand is troubling.

There are people (Addie never says never) who can know, quickly, that a person is right for them but it's rare and usually involves two people who know who they are and what they want and are happy being alone. Most of the time, long term decisions are best made in the long term after CAREFUL INVESTIGATION and objective analysis. It's hard to do this in the beginning. You need to learn to step back and look (REALLY LOOK) at the person and the relationship and ask yourself WHY you want to hitch your wagon to this "star".

Listen to signposts that things might not work out! Stop denying the fact that trouble is brewing here. Don't expect that moving in/having a baby/getting married is going to change anyone! Chances are, its going to make everything worse. The pressures involved in trying to live with someone, raise a child or be married are ENORMOUS. Think before you leap!

Hindsight is 20/20 but often people can look back on their relationships and see what they purposely ignored at the time. If you get honest with yourself and the situation, you will see things that you don't want to see and don't want to deal with in your mad dash to "happily ever ever."

Happily ever after AIN'T THERE.

Sooner or later you will need to wake up to what you are AVOIDING NOW.

In this case, you are ignoring the fact that this person doesn't want to share a lot of himself with you. Every person in every relationship needs their own time, space, friends, activities, thoughts, opinions etc that has nothing to do with their partner.

Being a well rounded person means having your own space and your own life that exists away from your partner.

However, he is not sharing the simplest things and is throwing up HUGE SIGNPOSTS that he has issues from former relationships and is projecting them onto you. You're never going to win or be able to work around this. You have nothing to prove to him...stop thinking it is your burden to prove to him you are not controlling. Just think about what messages he is sending you about him. He has his own space: KEEP OUT. That can be a HEALTHY message but here it doesn't seem to be. He is too on the defensive, too secretive and too afraid to let you in.

My advice is to keep open to signposts and don't move in with him prematurely. BAD IDEA. One of Addie's Golden Rules is the accept it, change it, leave rule. If you are in a situation there are only three things you can do. 1) accept it 2) change it 3) leave.

Can you accept that he is this way? And that does not mean become resigned to the fact that this is the way it is and silently seethe about it or try to manipulate the situation (or even worse, start peeking and prying into his life when he's not looking). Acceptance means that you truly accept it for what it is and you are okay with it.

Can you change it? You can try to sit down with him and talk about it but unless he wants to change, it's not going to change. Threatening and manipulating to bring about a temporary change is a fool's game. It's only going to change back if it's not his idea. The question is CAN YOU REALLY CHANGE IT?

If the answers to one and two are NO, then the answer remains: Leave.

The relationship is young and he is not the be all, end all. There are plenty of others out there who will act more committed to a relationship. Find them, engage in courtship, and then go further with the one that is right for you. Don't jump in and then try to make it fit. That never works.

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Boyfriend Tells Her How She's Feeling

2005-06-07T03:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

I started dating a guy about a month ago and we get along great for the most part. We have similar interests and met through mutual friends. I really like him but I find it annoying that he tells me what I'm feeling. For example, we were riding in the car and I asked him to close the window because I was cold. He said, "You can't be cold." and left it at that. I asked him a few minutes later to close the window because I was cold and he said, again, that I couldn't possibly be cold. Another night we saw a movie that made me cry and he said to me, "Oh comon, it wasn't that sad." or I wanted to go home from a party one night because I was tired and he said, "It's not that late, you can't be tired." It is beginning to really irritate me but I don't know how to handle it. Is he going to tell me that I love him or don't love him when the time comes? I'm afraid this can become a more serious problem.
-Confused (I think)

Dear Confused:

You are right to worry that this can become a bigger problem because it can. He may be saying things like this because he's never been told that it's ridiculous to try to dictate to another how that person is feeling (emotionally or physically). Sometimes when you point it out, the person can laugh at it and realize it's crazy. Sometimes it takes several times of pointing it out or making a joke about it before it stops. It doesn't have to be a deal breaker. The next time he does this you can say "I would appreciate if you don't tell me how I'm feeling." He might use some excuse but, as the Addie Golden Rule says, use *I* statements such as "I don't like it when I feel cold and someone tells me I don't feel cold." or "I don't understand how you can tell how I feel." or variations of that. It might be a habit that needs some attention and it will go away.

On the other hand, he might be a control freak or an incredibly insecure person who can't handle reports from the outside world that do not confirm what he is thinking/feeling. Sometimes insecure people try to dominate and control to deny their insecurity. Worse yet, he might be someone who just doesn't care what you feel (physically or emotionally).

If this is the case and you stay involved with him, eventually you will be questioning your own thoughts and feelings and lose sight of who you are. Don't fall victim to this. If you try to speak to him about it and he does not respond in a positive way, you really need to question why you are with him.

If its more than just a habit that he hasn't really thought about, it may signal a deeper problem (control freak, insecurity, narcisstic etc). If the advice in the first paragraph doesn't work or he really resists changing this, you might have to rethink the relationship because it will only get worse. You're only in this a month. There is no reason for this to turn into a bigger problem. If he doesn't change it after you draw his attention to it or he argues with you about it or makes it seem like YOUR problem, you really need to rethink this relationship.

Mom Lets Child Go Out of Control

2005-06-06T17:38:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

My wife and I were out shopping with our 5 year old the other day and our son threw a temper tantrum in the store because he wanted some candy and I wouldn't let him have it. My wife gave into him and gave him the candy in the middle of the tantrum. I was so angry I walked away from both of them. He does this more and more and she tells me that she doesn't want to be embarrassed in the store.
-Fit To Be Tied

Dear Fit:

You are correct that giving into a tantrum is not the correct course of action. What your wife is doing is encouraging the bad behavior by rewarding it. If she does not want to be embarrassed in public, she needs to remove the child from the public when the child is having a tantrum.

Sometimes this is embarrassing (bringing a screaming, red faced child out of a store) but staying calm and responding (not reacting) to the tantrum is the only way. I see parents capitulate all the time to avoid a scene or embarrassment. DON'T. The child KNOWS you're embarrassed and simply continues. Don't be manipulated like this. Children need to know they can't do that. Any scene in public should be DOUBLE the punishment once home. They will stop it sooner or later. JUST BE THE PARENT.

When a child misbehaves, the parent must be willing to leave everything in the store, scoop up the child (not in anger and not tightly, but firmly to let the child know who is boss), bring the child out of the store, to the car if necessary, and let the child know that you will not be returning to the store until the child stops.

If the child does not stop, take the child home IMMEDIATELY. At home the child needs to go in time out or go to bed if the child will not behave. Do not make "going home because you misbehaved" a pleasant experience. You need to reinforce that being removed for bad behavior is not going to be rewarded.

It is difficult and time consuming to let the child you know business, especially when the child has been running amok and being rewarded for bad behavior, but if you remove the misbehaving child from every situation, the child gets tired of being taken home every time and eventually stops. But it must be consistent and you must mean business (firm, not angry) and don't be afraid to ask for a check in the middle of a meal at a restaurant if a child is misbehaving, or going home from a relative's house or whatever.

Parents MUST be willing to put the time and effort into removing misbehaving children from a situation EVEN IF it poses great problems for the parent. EVENTUALLY it will stop. PUT THE TIME AND EFFORT IN UP FRONT. After you do this consistently, all you have to do is say "Keep it up and we're going home." and it will STOP. Continue to cave in and not deal with it and it will CONTINUE.

IN TIME, if you are consistent about removing a misbehaving child from public places and letting the child know you are going home and the child is NOT going to be happy once you get there (they go in time out, going home is not about having fun THERE), the child will STOP misbehaving.

The child will test your will and your resolve in the beginning but eventually they give up. Why? Because you are firm, they respect you for that and THEY like the predictability.

Children do not like wishy washy parents. They like parents who are lovingly IN CHARGE. If you are in charge of the child, the child knows you will not let anything hurt him or her. Children NEED to know that. That is WHY parents need to be firm. It's good. It's healthy. It's PARENTAL. Your job is to be the parent so be the parent. Be in control. Be firm.

It is possible to be FIRM without being abusive or harming the child. Being firm is a loving act. It teaches the child limits and boundaries and the job of the parent is to TEACH HEALTHY BEHAVIOR LIKE LIMITS AND BOUNDARIES.
Another helpful tip is the 3 time rule. This doesn't work on a child having a tantrum (they are beyond a three time rule) but when a misbehaving child starts, tell him or her to stop. If they start up again, say "I asked you to stop, now this is twice I've asked you, one more time and we are going home." and then if they act up again, NO MATTER WHAT, take the child home (or take something away or whatever you said "If I ask you one more time... x will happen."
Make sure it happens and you'll never get to 3 after a while.
If you want healthy, happy children who mind, follow these rules and don't EVER waiver.

Husband Spends Too Much Time On Internet

2005-06-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

Dear Addie,

My problem is that my husband comes home from work and ignores me. He jumps on the internet and isn't really doing much of anything but playing video poker and chatting with his friends about sports. I've told him he spends too much time on the computer and he needs to spend time with me but he refuses. He says when he's home we are "together." We keep fighting about this and he just says he can never please me and stays on the internet longer and longer. What should I do?
-Unplugged.

Dear Unplugged:

It sounds as if the two of you are engaged in a typical power struggle -- you are pushing and he is pulling. So long as you keep going round in the same circles, nothing is going to be accomplished.

For starters, the best thing to do is to use "I" language to express how you feel. Don't say "YOU spend too much time on the computer." Sentences that start with "you" put the listener on the defensive. In order to break a power struggle lock, you need to stay off the defensive and keep your mate off the defensive. Your goal is COMPROMISE and compromise does not happen when one or both of you are ON THE DEFENSIVE. Using "I" statements helps with that.

If he doesn't want to talk about this or refuses to change his activity, you to turn your attention to other things.

Then when he wants to be with you, you might need to state that you would like a say in when you both spend time together and is this a good time to talk about how BOTH of you can have time together and time apart.

Until he gets away from the computer, you're not going to have his attention. So find something to do (something healthy, like time with friends or books or a movie, NOT something vengeful or the like) and when he wants you to spend time together (eventually he's going to want to spend time with you for whatever reason), then you can tell him (in "I" sentences) that you would like some of your thoughts on the subject are heard as well.

Being a couple means compromise and giving your mate some attention. If you are not getting the attention you need, you need to say that, in "I" statements so that he can hear without being on the defensive. If he won't listen THEN, simply tell him that when he is ready to talk, to let you know and THEN go off and do your own thing. Get the focus off him and put it back on YOU. It might be hard and uncomfortable but you must get the focus off him.

Let me know how it turns out!

Dear Addie Vise

2005-06-06T17:13:00.000-07:00

DEAR ADDIE VISE is a new blog for readers and writers of advice columns.

Like old school advice columns, this blog will publish your letters (occasionally edited for brevity, spelling and grammar) and Addie Vise's advice.

Addie has a master's degree in psychology and has counseled individuals and families for over 10 years. send questions/problems/issues to addievise@hotmail.com and it will be published on this blog soon!

Disclaimer: The information on this blog does not constitute legal or professional advice and Dear Addie Vise cannot accept any liability for actions arising from its use. Dear Addie Vise cannot be held responsible for the contents of any pages referenced by an external link. This column is not affliated with or connected to any other advice column, clinic or organization.